There Really Are No Adequate Words

Without trying to sound arrogant, I consider myself to be fairly articulate. I’ve always had a true love of language. Finding exactly the right words to express my thoughts has always been very important to me. However, mere words are inadequate to express the overwhelming discouragement that I am feeling this evening about my health.

As I write this entry, I have lost all feeling in my right hand, wrist, and forearm. I’m continuing to experience debilitating fatigue, despite having rested all day. My throat remains terribly sore, too.

I have tasks that still need to be done, but I just don’t feel up to doing anything. It’s not because I am unmotivated, however. This current state of affairs would be much more tolerable, of course, if only it were attached to a definite time limit.

There is no such stopping point for the experience of chronic illness. It is relentless, unending, persistent, and tenacious. Thankfully, I consider my response to ongoing challenges as possessing the very same characteristics.

Nevertheless, some days are just naturally more difficult than others. Today happens to be one of those days. Healthy individuals really have no idea of just how very daunting it is to face each new day with multiple, ongoing symptoms. Those symptoms can be managed, to varying degrees. However, they will never completely go away.

This is my undeniable reality. Since I have MS, there perpetually also lurks the specter of developing a more progressive degree of disability. I know that I have intentionally trained myself to be more appreciative of my many blessings.

However, living within a body that has actively and repeatedly betrayed me is unspeakably difficult. I still terribly miss the woman whom I used to be. Her image has faded powerfully before my eyes, but it has never completely been erased.

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